Dear Lucy,

When I first met Jacob I knew he was different than most and a very special gifted person. He is one of the few who had an insight about life that most people can hardly imagine let alone understand. He's what I refer to as an old soul. I am 42 and have traveled extensively and met many people in my life but there are only small few who I have met of Jacob's caliber and depth and in his case intelligence. Sometimes I think that it is this very depth of thinking that makes us struggle with the so called "normal" life that other people just bounce along with unconsciously and take for granted. I have thought of Jacob many times since having met him which I consider a gift in my life and he is still with me and teaching me everyday. I know that he had that affect on everyone that had the priviledge to know him last December in Hazelden.

The day I read the email about Jacobs passing I was at a low in my life and was getting ready to relapse but did not and have become even stronger in my fight against addiction. That day is fresh in my mind and I cried more about the loss of Jacob than I did for my own father. It was a lesson of absolute sacrifice that he has given me(we addicts) and I will not let it go unlearned. My son has also been affected by Jacob as he walked in to find me crying(something he hasn't seen before) over the news and understands the message that Jacob has given us. My son went through Hazelden's adolescent unit in Minneapolis last November and is still doing well with his fight against his heroin addiction, I still worry. I think Jacobs death was a reminder to him that this is a very cunning addiction.

I was already inspired by Jacob since December and had started writing again and pursuing my artistic interest that I had subdued for some years while dealing with my sons's addiction and after 17 years of sobriety my own addiction. As of two weeks ago and with the cutbacks at the airlines I have been fortunate enough to find a job as an artist making native american pottery, as it turns out most people there are in recovery and I have shared my experience of Jacob with them. It is a humble job with low pay but for the first time I have a calm in my life that I can't put a price on and when I'm creating I often think of Jacob for inspiration and a greater sense of spituality.

I can't ever look at a crossword puzzle without thinking of him. I remember his first days there at Hazelden and how amazed I was to watch him whip through the crossword puzzles in the paper. I think it was the NewYork Times puzzles he liked best or found the most challenging. The first few days when one arrives in treatment are probably the most awkward or isolated so I picked up a couple of crossword books for him trying to help him feel more comfortable. I'm sure they were well below his level of compentence but he was kind about it none the less.

One person out of the unit or group is voted leader "senior peer" by his Tiebout brothers, someone who is working the program and inspirational and unshelfishly helping others. This was Jacob and after I left Hazelden Jacob was voted the next senior peer by his Tiebout brothers. This gives you just a little idea how much Jacob meant to everyone and the positive influence he had on anyone who met and knew him. He had the ability to make us all laugh and feel better about who we are. I only regret that I did not get the chance to see him again after Hazelden but we did speak by phone several times and he would call to make sure I wasn't using and give me support. I wasn't going to many meetings when I got out and he would remind me of my own words to him and others while in the group and about staying the course. One of the things Jacob wrote in my book was to "keep it simple and get back to writing". It is a slow and economically painful process but he was right about keeping it simple and this is what I'm doing little by little. I have gone back to writing and even though I'm not doing anything on a profesional level maybe some day I will and it will be dedicated to Jacob. Until then he is often the inspiration for my wood sculptings and pursuit of artistic achievements and living a clean and meaningful life. I try to pass on the insiration that he gave me to others. I am sorry for such a lengthy letter but I just wanted to let you know how much he meant to me and others who were lucky enough to have known him and that he will never, never be forgotten. I believe that he is with us always and that some day we will meet again in a kinder life.

Again I am very sorry for your loss and I know that words can only do so much but I hope that knowing he had such a meaningful influence on a great many people will help console you during this painful time. I will remember you in my prayers. My heart is with you and your family.

Mark VanWinkle